Week 17 – Brought to you by the Commish and his disdain for today’s Championship game
The 20th BFD season will draw to a close tomorrow. It’s been an interesting season for me. I left the draft thinking ‘WTF just happened’? That wasn’t even close to going to plan. After a few games though my team hit it’s stride, turned the season around, and looked headed for the #2 overall seed. Then Kristina came along and delivered the kick to the sack. Not a glancing blow either; instead one of those shots that really makes you dig deep to avoid crying in front of your friends. Damn. Another trip to the loser bracket.
I had grand ideas for finishing up the season with some really strong pregame notes but I am having a hard time finding the right motivation. I mean really….”hey look it’s Jeramie and Lee battling it out for 9th and 10th place again”. Truth is, most of you knocked it out of the park with pregame notes and I am having trouble trying to up the game. I appreciate all of the effort on the notes this year with a special thanks to multi-posting owners Kristina and Josh. I also appreciate the effort that Josh put into the alternate league page adding some color to our collective experience.
Well here are the predictions for our week #17 games and some ridiculously long twitter tags (maybe with a little gratuitous innuendo thrown in as a shout out to the queen of BFD innuendo).
Andy, Jeff, David, and Donnie ended their mediocre seasons last week, so no games this week.
Jeramie vs. Lee for 9th and 10th place – Seen this one before. We both suck and this game doesn’t matter. Jeramie plows Lee 43-10 (tantalizingly close to the 9 point record scoring low currently held by you know who). Oh ya, I’m not sure if he ever had a tight end. #emptyrosterspotanyone
Gary vs. Jon for 7th and 8th place – Sorry guys, this game really bores me. Like really… ….bores me. But one of you two has to deliver the money shot soooooooooooo magic 8-ball says Gary outshoots Jon by an inch 7-6, then smokes a cigarette, and ponders the long shameful walk home. #congratsonyournewleaguerecordjon
Dan vs. Lara for 3rd and 4th place – Haven’t we already seen this matchup too. I feel like these two face off for 3rd and 4th every year. Dan asks for the usual and Lara delivers ten full points more than Dan 55-45. #likewedidntseethatcoming
Josh vs. Kristina for 1st and 2nd place – I guess that this is the only game that really counts this week. Will Josh get that coveted first championship or will Kristina repeat? I feel like this matchup for all the knuckles has been a long time coming (knuckles? that’s not right….marbles, that’s it). Josh has had a strong team this season but I think that Kristina’s dominant move to corner the market on slightly below average free agent QBs has pleased the fantasy football gods. Kristina gets rewarded for her sadistic behavior and squirts her way to a 71-66 victory. Brought to you by #whowouldntwanttowatchthatgame and #youknowwheretofindmeandy.
Good luck to both of you in the only game that really matters today.
Week 16 – It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!…(that’s a lie, what’s up with mid-50s? – bring me some snow and ice!) Pre-game notes brought to you by Kristina and her championship winning team
’Twas the night before playoffs, when all through the house, not a QB was stirring, not even Cam Newton.
Let’s start at the bottom and work our way to the top…David vs Donnie in the Toilet Bowl. This scenario has Mr. Hankey written all over it. I’m going to get out my crystal ball and say this game is going to end in a tie…because neither of these two teams submitted reserves. There will be two outhouse trophies rewarded at the end of the season. Howdy ho!
Next up…Gary vs Lee.
Jeramie vs Jon…is it just me or are the rest of you as bored with the lower bracket as I am? One of these teams will win, the other will lose. Now onto the real action…
In the lowest game of the upper bracket we have Andy vs Jeff. I see Andy has another open roster spot this week, as of press time. I’m beginning to think Andy is intentionally fucking up his roster so he can schedule remedial lessons in fantasy football with Kristina. Nicely played, Andy. I’ll see you next Monday.
Lara vs Josh…Josh is coming off a well deserved bye to face Lara this week. Winner faces Kristina in the championship game next week.
Finally, the game of the week. Kristina vs Dan. It just feels strange not having Andy in the mix. Anywho, Dan loses his star QB this week. What are the odds? From the naughty list, Kristina submits her reserves…Aaron Rodgers, Case Keenum and Marcus Mariota. Game on!
Week 13 is here – brought to you by TBD and Kareem Hunt’s lawyer
Ah, winter is in the air. You can almost smell it can’t you? Crisp, refreshing, hibernating weather. Though, Gary and Jeff, the smell tickling your nostrils might just be the outhouse trophy. Either way, nice time of year for some pumpkin spiced bullshit.
I thought long and hard about how I want to approach the notes this week. I think, given that gifs and memes comprise the new economy of trash talk, I’ll take the approach that all the kids are using. Therefore, each match up will be evaluated with a single image and loosely interpreted team names.
Shit Stew vs Loose Ends
Team NameChangers vs Flaming RBs
New Guys Touch Balls vs Broken Ass Team
Air Raided vs Alabama Smart Words
Uncle Lance Armstrong vs Team Abacus
All Hail the King vs A Sweater for Any Weather
Have fun this weekend and good luck to most of you!
Week 12 – brought to you by Donnie and his standard deviations…
I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving! I did. So many things to be thankful for… but, do you mind, if we discuss some of the things this time of the year that we are NOT thankful for? i mean, it’s just easier…
First of all, that Holiday traffic. Not just all the cars, going super slow. But, the road rage too. People getting cut off, people driving slow in the fast lane, angry dads having to hear kids in the back asking if we are there yet…. definitely no achieving urban progress in all the no fly zones. that is why Lara takes down Andy this week… Eventually.
And if you are able to make progress, depending on where you are going, you could get very shaky road conditions this time of year. Say heading to Pullman in a bus full of band geeks and heavy equipment (not to mention, a flute- I know you all just thought about it, too). I guess this one is kind of offset by the fact the Huskies won the Apple Cup. Go Dawgs! not quite Lawson Craddock inspirational, but enough to get Jeff the win over John
Okay, now let’s talk about family time. Whenever you get together with a big family, you know there is that one person who likes to say inappropriate things. Or do them. Maybe the uncle that gets drunk and starts telling off color jokes that offend everyone? Gary ? Jeramie? Neither of you have that guy in your family? If you can’t figure it out, it might just be you… I am not sure who wins that matchup. I will let you guys decide…
There comes a time, maybe as early as 15 minutes after you leave the table… the realization that there are not quite enough bathrooms for number of guests. The backup can be uncomfortable in many ways. physically. mentally, knowing you might not get on there for a while… and then, when you do, someone(s) did not light a candle or find the spray. Hopefully, they left you a square to spare.So, in the battle between Dan and Josh, Arbitage Aholes is surely the looser (oops, did I spell that wrong?)
And now we come to Black Friday. you all know what goes down. Getting up, or staying up to hurry up and wait in line out in the cold to get in to a place that will be full of people wall to wall. then waiting again in line to buy the 60″ TV. and you take it home and it had a defect. so you had to go back and they could find.the same one. so,after hours of paperwork and looking, they offer to give you a different one instead. (actual story from a friend I saw at Thanksgiving).
I wonder who wins the fight over the tights between Lee and Kristina. I know you picked that team name for the battle this week, Kristina. nicely done. She will win, because she game planned the best.
And finally, this weekend marks the beginning of the timeline for extra chores, putting up the tree and the lights. and of course doing it to Christmas music. radio stations can do that starting now. I just hope not to get run over by Sneadskis reindeer…
Thanks for letting me vent everyone. it helped. and so does being able to watch all the football today! Good luck to all…
Week 11 presented by David and his little buddy Lambo. Great notes and the old-school shout outs are always appreciated!
As we approach Thanksgiving and Black Friday let us all give thanks for Johnny Unitas who played for the Baltimore Colts he helped build the brand we all know and love. I know I’ll never forget that championship drive. Speaking of courageous champions, No Fly Zone makes like an eagle and will fly over a wounded Gustav g second string 69- 59.
Football gives us all a chance to loosen up, get drunk and talk about sex on our phones, my gosh, Josh, what do they do in Albania? Speaking of Albania, Go for Broker knocks TBD out of first place on a recount 71.5 – 62.3
Turkey is my favorite dish and is often best when served cold. Speaking of cold, Running Backs starts warming up for the comeback story of the year and puts the flame on FNG 45-39. Can a brother get a break? I don’t think so.
Cranberry sauce is like the Greta Garbo of the table. “I just want to be left alone”. The same could be said for mincemeat pie? I don’t want to touch this one. A Aholes get runs all over Dookie porridge kinda like all that poop they dumped in North Birmingham? 81-69
Staying with the shitty theme, Lawson Craddock gets a crack at Lee’s tight end and has fun doing it. That’s as close to a sexual innuendo as I can get. Speaking of close, it’s all asses and elbows Tight end squeezes one out 67-65.
As you can see, less is more, no? Speaking of less? I can’t give the accolades uncle Dan gave Andy only that he is one of the smartest people I know. To bad that don’t mean a shit when it comes to fantasy football! Urban Achievers gets out achieved by ARSNS 71-69.
I’m sorry for co opting Thanksgiving the way I did. It’s just I wanted to be the Turkey:-)
Much love and good luck to all!
Sneadski bird
Week 10 Pre-game notes – he needs no introduction, the DanMan from down under (not Australia, no, but the down under where your sister might be the best lover you’ve ever had…Bama baby!)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time for week 10 notes! Brought to you by none other than the Mouth from the South. The deserter. The transplant. The traitor. Oh, and former BFD champion circa 2001. And most importantly, the only BFD performance to be endorsed by Trump. We even have a special message this week straight from the Prez – “It was the greatest BFD performance ever, maybe in the history of fantasy football. Thousands, MILLIONS of people from all around came to see that performance. It was tremendous. But the fake news hasn’t reported a thing about that performance. It’s a shame really.”
This week’s notes are being done after a heavy dose of Michelada’s. They will ramble, they will be incoherent, you will laugh, you will cry, and they’re best read with a thick Southern accent. Think Jeff Sessions and you’re on the right path.
It’s fitting that my weekly notes duty comes on the heels of Andy’s MVP performance last week. You see, Josh loves a good Dandy Sandwich. He has odd tastes you know. Like that Gay Squirrel fetish (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHczRAS8mAY). Josh: quit sending me those videos, it’s not my thing. I’ve just been forwarding them to Kristina because, well, we all know why. Ahem.
But enough about Josh and his total normalcy. Let’s get on to the squirrel meat and potatoes. And as a near 15 year Alabaman, I know a thing or two about squirrel meat. For one, deep fried in peanut oil is best. And two, it isn’t as good as a freshly noodled catfish.
We’ll start the matchups with what I’ll refer to the little turd games. We’ll move onto the clockwork 7:30AM shitters, and end up with the best matchup of the week – the giant constipated dump of a game. Let’s get it on!
GAME1 – Gary (RB Shot Down in Flames) Vs Donnie (Avg Reg Std Nrm SoSo)
Jeezus, do we really have to watch this shitstorm of a match go down? This is like something out of a SAW movie. We’ve got an 0-9 disgrace of a team Vs another with Trig signs as its name. This matchup is a bullies dream. WINNER?: Please let it be Donnie so we can keep this winless season alive for Gary.
GAME2 – Kristina (Gustav Ditters) Vs Jeff (Lawson Craddock)
When the fuck did these team names become a thing. Am I the only one that had to google this shit? This is fantasy football. Not some cycling bullshit. How are you expecting to win a championship when you aren’t even in the right sport? Act like you’ve been there before people! Oh wait, who are we kidding? We all know Kristina has been everywhere. WINNER?: Certainly not the advertisers because nobody is watching this one.
GAME3 Jon (Must be a FNG’s Team) Vs Andy (LL Urban Achievers)
Andy’s may have the Dez Bryant turd show this year, but he is off to a solid season nonetheless. In fact, there is real possible championship caliber talent here. Not only from the players, but from the manager as well. I find myself constantly checking scores on Sunday to see exactly where his team is at. It’s exciting. If there is anyone worthy of a championship trophy, it is this guy. There is literally nothing bad I can say about Andy. He is the fantasy equivalent of Nick Saban. To see him on Sunday, is to witness true greatness. There is an aura about him too. It’s indescribable really. WINNER?: All those that bear witness to this triumph of a human being.
GAME4 Jeramie (Dookie Porridge) Vs. Lara (No Fly Zone)
Ok I’m just going to come right out and say it. What is up with Lara’s players? There is some serious penis innuendo going on there. Nick Chubb. Robert Woods. Bwahahaha. Jeramie may win best Team name, but Lara wins most subconscious draft. WINNER?: certainly not Jeff
GAME5 Dan (Arbitrage Aholes) Vs David (Go For Broker)
In a certain Trumpian move, this was slated to be this week’s biggest matchup. But David’s team brought it down a notch. Thanks a lot David. We coulda had something special here. I see what you did with your team name there. Very clever indeed. Is it too early in the season to change to “Go for Mediocre” to better align with your FF priorities? Where have you been all season? I miss you David. But not as much as Andy. I’m sure you all understand. Because of the implications. WINNER?: Dan the Man
GAME6 Josh (Team Name TBD) Vs. Lee ( We Once Had a Tight End)
Alright here it is, the big turd of the week. How the hell is this even a thing? Josh and Lee having amazing seasons? It’s like that episode of Seinfeld where they meet their opposites. I’m pretty sure this is opposite Josh and opposite Lee. True masters of the fantasy football art. But alas, Josh almost certainly blew his 99 point load last week. And like in real life, is firing blanks here. Lee comes through with the upset and Yours Truly takes the lead in Lara’s bestest division in the world.
Week 9 Pre-Game Notes – dropped by LL Urban Achievers and his hate of all things mundane
It’s been the tradition in this league to include a game by game preview and prediction for Sunday’s games. And that’s fine. It’s…fine. Some do it better than others. Some say fuck it and don’t do it at all. But the essence of those predictions, the meat of it, is smack talk. And there’s not enough of it ’round these parts. Ya’ll are meek, mild and passive. Well, most of you. This league has a rich history. I joined in 2000 or 2001, I can’t remember exactly. (Jeramie, to the archives!) Things were different then. More smack. More engagement. More give-a-shit. Better smack talk comes from getting to know each other, and I know far too little about far too many of you. That needs to change. This league either needs a kick in the dick or an enema. (Kristina on standby for either, please.) I can’t generate proper smack when I don’t know you. Help me help you help me. Mmmmk? Btw this is my third draft of the night on this and we should probably all be glad I didn’t hit send after the first one. It was sort of like Bill Burr’s epic rant against the city of Philadelphia.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jMhoGUiIkk
Ok, on to the game by game notes.
We Once Had a Tight End vs. Go For Broker
What an absolutely boring matchup. Two 4-4 teams going at it with all the passion and drama of high tea. Jesus Christ, have either of you two had a winning record at any point the last 7 years? I guess I’ll go with GFB since as of writing this, WOHTE has a player on BYE starting.
No Fly Zone vs. Avg. Reg. I’m Not Typing all that bullshit
This one could go either way, sort of like Dan after seeing a matinee showing of Queen. Lara, with surprisingly only 1 Bronco, for the win here.
FNG vs. Aribtrage
Dan. How in the blue fuck are you 6-2 with that garbage-ass team? This is why fantasy football blows. You’re everything wrong with it. You have one good player. ONE. I don’t know what fresh hell we’re living in these days. You’re balls deep in Trump country, you own like 9 houses, your team is utter trash but you’re 6-2. Something has to get set right in the universe and it should probably be you losing to FNG. Also I dare you to put a Hillary sign in your yard.
Dookie Porridge vs Peter Sagan
Jeramie vs. Jeff. Two league old-timers here. There should be a name for whenever they play, like they do in rivalry games in CFB. I don’t know what it is, though. You know, like, when Harvard and Yale play each other and all their fans cream their shorts about it because they were the second football game ever or something but everyone outside of those two schools don’t give a shit because we’re too busy watching a good game? This is sorta like that. Also nobody knows who the shit Peter Sagan is. Next year I’m naming my team Emerson Fittipaldi. I think Jeramie creeps back to respectability Sunday and eeks out a win.
Kristina vs. TBD (The Sioux Falls Valtrex Bowl)
Kristina and Josh. Two more league heavyweights getting at it like two kittens in a wool sock. Love these two people. This game is probably gonna be a tossup but I always default to Kristina. I just do. And I need her to take Djosh down a peg or two. Josh’s free time seems to have yielded a team more potent than the turds he usually polishes every year. And that’s no good for anyone.
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers vs. Flaming Roast Beef?
The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers (and proud we are of all of them) have quietly been taking the league by storm this last month, winning 4 in a row, most recently taking Kristina’s ass to the woodshed. I don’t see the Flamers getting their first win against me this week, either. However I’ve been boned by the universe before so who knows. At this point I’d like to nominate myself for GM of the year due to my savvy personnel acquisitions this season. There’s too many to name. I’m gonna ride them like a 2 dollar hooker the rest of the season. LLUA FTW
Week 7 Pre-Game Notes – guest editor Peter Sagan
When asked about his preparation process Peter simply replied, “I’m just doin this so I don’t get fined!” as he walked down the tunnel, sweaty towel thrown over his shoulder.
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This week brought to you by the guy who has to follow up last week’s awesome FDA approved pregame notes, and the guy who drafted Le’Von (F-ME) Bell for 73 bucks.
Josh wonders why PETER SAGAN? The Slovakian 2018 Tours Day France winner of the green jersey, or maillot vert?
A wise man on TV once said if you’re not the top dog the scenery never changes, you know what I mean Josh? If I have to follow anyone let it be Peter Sagan, oh those supple hips, the way he dances on the pedals, but I digress…
On a more serious note International Fantasy Football Anti-doping Group I-FAG will be collecting urine and hair follicle samples from all team owners prior to the start of competition on Sunday the 21st . Failure to submit or in Jeramie’s case failure to perform “shy bladder” will result in a four game suspension. Yes the sample may be collected simultaneously, you know what I mean Josh?
The Wild West, back door, cloak and dagger, frozen urine hiding, days are over! And no you may not use the excuse you were using HGH human growth hormone because your junk is like that of a young Asian boy, you know what I mean Josh?
The entire league is separated by only 101 points! The peloton is milling about with no clear leader. Who will the next roid-raging leader be? From my vantage point in 11th place, I must say the view sucks.
JUST SPIN BABY!
Week 6 pre-game notes (Lara)
Dookie Porridge(2-3) VS Must be a FNG’s Team (2-3)
This week’s game is brought to you by Ulcerative Colitis
Sounds like irritable bowel syndrome to me.
There’s no cure yet, and people usually have symptom flare-ups off and on for life.
You should consult a doctor if you have the following symptoms, bloody diarrhea. There might be some pus in your stools, too. Crampy belly pain, Feeling tired, Fever, Eye pain when you look at a bright light. Wait…this sound like Jeramie at the draft every time Donnie drafted one of his coveted players.
This game could go to either team; both teams are hovering at the bottom of their division.
My guess is Dookie Porridge will by wiping his a** with Must be a FNG’s Team Fantasy paper team this week,or just spend his Sunday afternoon in the bathroom googling these symptoms.
Not Deep Enough (3-2) VS Go for Broker (3-2)
This weeks’ game is brought to you by Ciallis
Apparently this drug is used to treat erectile dysfunction, (see Not Deep Enough) and you should call your Doctor if you have any of these symptom’s, swelling in your face or hands, swelling or tingling in your mouth or throat, blistering, peeling, or red skin rash, Chest pain, Lightheadedness, fainting, Painful erection or an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours…. What?…….
Kristina is leading her division and coming off of a championship year. Even though she is on a 2 game losing streak, Kristina will manage to get “deep enough” this week to win
Team name TBD (4-1) VS RBs Shot Down Flames(0-5)*** yup that is correct people!This week’s game is brought to you by Peyronie’s Disease
Peyronie’s disease is the development of fibrous scar tissue inside the penis that causes curved, painful erections. Penises vary in shape and size, and having a curved erection isn’t necessarily a cause for concern.
When to see a doctor- See your doctor if pain or curvature of your penis prevents you from having sex or causes you anxiety, or in this case when Josh drafts Dez Bryant!
Seriously you guys, Josh is 4-1! WTF. He is leading his division. How the hell did you walk out of that draft after drafting Dez Bryant and is currently leading the league in points! Um Gary….are you there?….
I know you are 0-5, but please for the love of all that is holy, beat Josh this week!
Peter Sagan (2-3) VS LL Urban Achievers (2-3)
This week’s game is brought to you by Cymbalta
Doctors can prescribe Cymbalta to treat anxiety that lasts for at least six months, depression, and fibromyalgia. Consult your Doctor if you have any of the following side affects
Unusual bruising or bleeding, Loss of appetite, Abdominal pain, Yellowing of the eyes or skin, Dark-colored urine, Fever with sweating, confusion, racing heart, and muscle stiffness, Extreme weakness, Swelling of the face, lips, or tongue, Swelling in other parts of the body (you might refer to the previous side effects from Ciallis) Worsening depression, or Panic attack.
I don’t know this sounds like either of these two teams, who are also both hovering at the bottom of their divisions, and both are sitting at 2-3 could be experiencing any of the above symptoms.
LL Urban just won last week’s game, but the week before, got blown out by Lee. Peter Sagan has Mayfield, so you never know.
The win goes to Peter Sagan this week.
Albritage Aholes (3-2) VS Avg Reg Std Nrm SoSo (3-2)
This week’s game is brought to you by Myrbetriq
A prescription medicine for adults used to treat overactive bladder (OAB) with symptoms of urgency, frequency and leakage.
Tell your doctor right away if you have trouble emptying your bladder or you have a weak urine stream. The most common side effects of Myrbetriq include increased blood pressure, dry mouth,
flu symptoms, urinary tract infection, dizziness, headache, constipation, and inflammation of the bladder.
Both of these teams this week are looking to at least be even in the standings.
Avg Reg Std Nrm Soso is leading his division by points only. Both teams won last week scoring above 80 points each.
Aholes stops the leak this week with the win.
No Fly Zone (3-2) VS We Once Had a Tight (3-2)
This week’s game is brought to you by Fukitol
When you no longer let anybody fathom the immensity of the fuck you do not give, because you took fukitol and no longer worry about your worries. A day where things aren’t going right or a day when you just don’t care .Your definition of carpe diem is to fukitol and do it your way.
Things I want to do today:
1. Nothing.
2. Drink coffee and watch the sky.
3. Lay in bed.
4. Sit on the couch and watch football all day.
5. Nothing.
6. Spending two fukitol hours writing pre game notes!
7. Flip through the channels on the TV and complain there is nothing to watch.
8. Read Josh’s live notes on the games in progress (yeah, that’s a lie)
9. Win a fantasy football game against Josh this year
10. Not lose 5 points this week because I didn’t submit pre game notes
I don’t know Lee, your draft strategy was pretty solid this year, you have a solid team, and you should be able to take your division. I am just hoping to squeak by with a win this week.
Good Luck this week everybody.
Hey, if you need any links to the above symptoms or drugs, let me know because I googled the shit out of them!
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Week 4 – by Must Be a FNG’s Team
My turn and I can’t afford to be docked 5 points for not submitting a rambling manifesto of whatever thoughts come into my head – hum – sounds familiar, but I can’t (Josh) put my (Josh) finger on it (Josh).
First, some thought on the first 3 weeks of this season starting with one of my favorite subject – ME. I’m not very happy swirling the toilet bowl after only 3 weeks. Going into the draft I was super pumped and prepared. I schemed and strategized and came up the “ZERO RB-DON’T NOMINATE PEOPLE YOU WANT-MAKE OTHERS SPEND THEIR MONEY FIRST-FOLLOW YOUR BUDGET-DON’T PANICK-ALL IN ON HOUSTON-DON’T SELECT CAM UNDER ANY CURRCUMSTANCES EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE A THING FOR HIM STRATEGY” or the “GONNA KICK SOME BFD BUTTS STRATEGY” for short. I left the draft feeling like the cat that swallowed the canary. WEEK 1 – Sat down in a sports bar in Orlando with every game on every TV within eye shot so I could bask in a thorough stomping of Donnie’s So-What’s and proceeded to be beat by just Drew Bree’s and the Minnesota Defense. “SAY WHAT? Ok, don’t panic – Greg Olson injured and it’s only week one. Swap a few guys out but don’t go nuts like you did last year” I tell myself. WEEK 2 – I’m feeling pretty good going up against David’s Broken. Got beat with all but one of his players in single digits. “How could this be happening? The GKS BFD BUTTS Strategy was full proof” I whine to myself as I am squarely in the toilet looking up as assholes (metaphorically, no offense intended). WEEK 3 – Panic has set in, made half a dozen moves and blowing my waiver wad on 1 game handcuffs. Oh crap, all my players but one are going off on the early games – its half time and I have 3 points – could this be it? Could this be the single digit week I have had nightmares about? Was at the Seahawk game and by the grace of the fantasy football gods my phone died. I was able to enjoy the game in blissful ignorance. Turns out I won with 51 stinking lousy points – go figure. So here I am going into WEEK 4, having swapped almost all my team out looking at myself in last year’s mirror wondering “what the F*** were you thinking during the draft”.
This week’s Games:
Gary’s Flame Outs vs. Dans’ Ahole or “THE PRIVY BOWL” – I do have some completion for toilet bowl dooty (get it?) with Dan and Gary’s team. Gary and his lousy luck are a great help to me. You don’t normally average over 70 points in the first couple of games in this league and go oh and 3. I think I better win this week or there will be at least a 3 way tie for Swirlyville as Dan’s Aholes will go down to Gary’s Flame Out’s. Gurley put in a good performance Thursday but Dan has a huge buy week and Martiota will stink up the field with single digit points this week. Winner: Flame Out’s by 10.
My FNG’s vs. Kristina’s Best Busts or “THE FNG OR BUST BOWL” – I always believe I am going to beat Kristina and this week is no exception. The problem is, I always lose to her for cripes sakes. What up with that – I think I’m oh-fer forever against her. I think it’s the creepy picture on her helmet – makes me make panic moves out of distraction from the ooky feeling I get in my gut over the doll thing. But no distraction this week. Winner: Me by 2.
Jeff’s Peter Who? Vs. TBD What? or “THE WHO’S ON FIRST WHAT’S ON SECOND BOWL” – Jeff was nice enough to lose to me last week by one point and allow me to save some face and I’m afraid he’s going lose for a second week in a row and swirl the “flusher” with Gary and Dan. I seem to always be rooting against Josh for some reason, not sure why because “I love you man”, and this week is no exception. However, Jeff’s Who’s? look pretty weak with their matchups so – Winner: Josh by 19 ½
GAME OF THE WEEK – Donnie’s So-What’s vs. Jeramie’s Poopie’s or “THE SO WHAT’S POOPIE BOWL” – The funniest part of the draft was sitting across from Jeramie and getting the stink eye from him on every player I drafted. It was almost like he adopted a version of my GKS BFD BUTTS Strategy. It seems to have worked out for him as it has for me because he is swirling the bowl as well. I believe this is where he will make it a 4 way tie for the bottom of the pile. I always look at Donnie’s team after a draft and think, huh, mediocre team and then wonder what magic is he using to draft a solid team every year. Donnie, the magic pixy dust guy will prevail in this close match up – already 50 points left on the bench so far – Winner: So-Whats by 4
David’s Broke vs. Lara’s Fly or “THE BROKE FLY BOWL” – Lara has already scored more points with 2 guys on Thursday night than my whole team the first week. This contest is in the bag for Lara, so she won’t be in a 5 way tie for the outhouse. David’s Broke team looks strong this week but the Dallas –Detroit game will be a low scoring game – putting his two best players in Stankville with single digits. Winner: Lara by 25
Lee’s Tight vs. Andy’s Under-Achievers or “THE TIGHT UNDER BOWL” – This is a tough call – it will come down to the quarterbacks – Brady – who we all love to hate and are enjoying watching him struggle (could it be because of his personal trainer outing) or Manning – always looks like he’s frightened of getting killed and just smelled something stinky on his upper lip. I have to go with Brady this week so unfortunately, Andy will be circling the flush funnel in a 5 way tie. Winner: Tights by 5
YES – I said it – there will be a 5 way tie for last place after this week and one of them won’t be me. HAH! Peace out!
Week 3 – by The Commish
My intent was to get slightly buzzed last night and put together some reasonably funny quips and ironic prognostication. Didn’t happen, sorry folks. You get the perfectly sober, 6:00 AM version of my random musings.
I’ll start with the battle of the undefeated…Lee vs. Kristina: Lee’s squad is one of the two or three in this league with two legitimate workhorse RBs. That is always a recipe for success and the oddsmakers at Yahoo feel the same. Everybody expects Lee to walk away with this one but I’ve got something really disgusting to try with Kristina tonight soooooooo Kristina rides the FitzMagic, sweeps the division and wins in a landslide while Lee cries in his serial “will the real Fitzpatrick please stand up?”
Next up, Josh vs. Dan: My memory seems to tell me that this matchup has been dominated by Dan over the years. Not this year. Josh might have finally drafted a championship caliber team. I mean don’t get me wrong, his team is definitely like the Island of Misfit Toys but he’s looking like an evil genius at the moment. The Bill Belichick of fantasy football? What are the odds that McCracken holds this team together and gets himself into the big game? Survey says 4-1. Not great, but better than most of the league. Josh wins this one running away.
I know its too early to be statistically significant but Jon and Jeff are currently the lowest scoring teams in the league and they are facing off this week. This is the 1992 Seahawks vs. 2010 Broncos. However, one of these teams is not like the other. I feel like Jon has just had some bad luck and his team will bounce back, probably starting this week. Sorry Jeff, but I’m feeling like following your team is going to be kind of like following the Seahawks this year. A pile of hope in one hand and… Jon’s team gets revved up this week and shoves Jeff down that lonely road…2016 Browns?
Andy vs. Lara: Playoffs? Don’t talk about – playoffs? You Kidding me? Playoffs? Hmm…how do I put this tactfully? Well, you see when a man loves a woman…wait, wrong speech. Losing, in a curious way, is winning. You see, when you learn from a loss you have not lost. And there will be lots of losing for these two teams this year. Or I could be completely wrong. Either way, Lara roars into the weekend a 69% favorite to win due to her TEs 1 point effort and Andy starting the lesser of the two Jets RBs on Thursday. Andy’s fate will rest in Brown and Jackson whipping up a scoring frenzy on Monday night which is completely possible. Too close to call. Lara in a photo finish.
David vs. Donnie: This matchup intrigues me. There are a lot of names here of players who have the ability to have big games. Lots of all or nothing guys. If the moons of Jupiter align this could be the highest scoring BFD ever. I think that Yahoo has underestimated the scoring potential in this one. It’s either going to be the most boring match up ever or a fantastic shoot out. Either way though, each of these two guys is too nice to take the win. Classic you first, no you first, oh lets just cross the line together. First tie of the season.
Jeramie vs. Gary in what is clearly the game of the week. Both teams come into this game winless. I think that both owners wrapped up draft day thinking WTF. “I’ll take Draft Day Quotes for $200 Alex.” “The answer is “uh, what the hell just happened? did I just shit myself?”” “Who is Jeramie? Alex” “You are correct Josh.” “I’ll take draft day quotes for $400 Alex.” The answer is “I feel like I just got tea bagged by a rhino with really bad hygiene” “Who is Gary? Alex” “Correct again Josh” “Alex, I’ll take BFD prognostication for $1000” “That’s today’s daily double. The answer is Gary and Jeramie.” “Ooh ooh ooh…I got this Alex.” *snickering* “who is taking sacks to the face in 2018?” “Ooooooh, that’s incorrect Josh. “Who will be circling the toilet bowl at the end of the season?” is what we were looking for.” “I know, but it was funny.” On to the outcome, Jeramie’s Dookie Porridge comes into the weekend with a lead due to the the sudden constitution of his Browns. Welcome to Browntown Gary! Jeramie just figured out what Brown can do for him and takes the win this week, likely his only one this season.
Enjoy week #3 y’all. I am going to savor every f’ing minute of it. Shout out to Redzone channel for making my fall Sundays so wonderful and so miserable at the same time.
Jon, you are on the hook for notes next week.
DP
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